My vison is fogged, I can’t see out my own two eyes. I’ve been under the illusion that we meant more to eachother than this. I was under the impression you wanted something from me. I still haven’t figured out what that is, and neither have you. We have been walking around with shutters over our eyes, little slits that only allow us to catch a glimpse of what is really going on around us. I never knew it could hurt like this.
I am made up of questions that I do not know the answer to, and I’m tired of trying to figure it out. I am one of those people that wishes they were someone else, and will never actually do anything to achieve or change their lives. I am a teenager, lost, asked for directions, and got pointed in the wrong direction. I am hopeless.
I wish to feel smaller under your sheets. I wish for the whole truth every time you speak. I’m thinkin’ about how you care half as much for me while I watch you arrive, smoke cigarettes, sleep ..
And I guess it doesn’t matter what I say or what I seem you stuck what I felt for you in the pocket of your jeans ignoring me the morning after isn’t enough and I swear I’m gonna cry. I’m sick of tryin’ to be tough.
And my blood won’t stick to the confines of my veins. And your heart is gonna tear mine away.
and I’ve been protecting myself from all things, hoping to avoid the possibility of regret. There are things I’ve thought, words I’ve kept at bay, people I could’ve loved if I had let myself, and we beach these ships (right when we had began to get the hang of sailing) so close to shore because vulnerability is the scariest goddamn thing.
And I am just like those presents in 80s sitcoms where the box and lid are wrapped separately, and you can open it up so simply. Oh, I’ve got this lid that you can lift off and away, and I’ll let you in, but I’ll never allow you to unwrap me how you want.
She’s always been a shooting star to me, and I’ve always hoped to catch her. I’ve wanted to throw my arms around her, she is my wish. she was everyones sun and a smile would lead to another smile, and you could see it on their faces, true happiness. the world didn’t deserve her. so I definitly didn’t either.
I feel inadequate because I’m not the only one who loves you. I refuse to believe that we all are the same to you, and I will not back down. I know my place, I know what I want and what I feel and although there are numerous voices in my head telling me what to do, the thing they all have in common is you. I hate that you want me to give up on you, you’re the one person I won’t. They don’t see the way your forehead crinkles when your deep in thought, or how you spend hours asleep infront of the televsion rather then watching it. They can’t possibly know you the way I do.
I want you to know that its a little fucked up that im stuck here waiting, no longer debating, tired of sittin and hating and making these excuses for why your not around, and feelin so useless. seems one things has been true all along you don’t really know what you got till its gone.
Some days I feel like shit some days I wanna quit, and just be normal for a bit. i don’t understand why you have to always be gone, I get along but the trips always feel so long. I find myself trying to stay by the phone, cause your voice always helps me when I feel so alone but I feel like an idiot working my day around a call and when I pick up I don’t have much to say.
I find myself just filling time, anything to keep the thought of you from my mind, I’m doing fine, I’m planning to keep it that way, you can call me if you find you have something to say.
A summer drive away from dying: a broken heart nothing to lose. I know it hurts so bad just trying to please the ones you hate to love. And I wrote this note about someone I used to know so I’d remember how life can be so short when your left alone to wonder how it is someone opens and shuts the door.
I know your cold but come home. It’s a shame how short we all have come.
You set your mind on cruise control; knuckles grip the wheel in fear to let it go. Love is empty,love is cruel,love it blindly breaks the rules. How could you have been a fool? It’s something all of us go through. You choke back tears and swallow lies but those wiper blades won’t fix your eyes, count on having clouded vision for at least a little while.
people are afraid of themselves, of their own realtiy; their feelings msot of all. people talk about how great love is, but thats bullshit. love hurts. feelings are disturbing. people are taught that pain is evila and dangerous. how can they deal with love if they’re afraid to feel? pain is meant to wake us up. people try to hide their pain, but they’re wrong. pain is something to carry, like a radio. you feel your strength in the existence of pain, it’s all in how you carry it. thats what matters. pain is a feeling. your feelings are a part of you. you own reality. if you feel ashamed of them and hide them, you’re letting society destroy your reality. you should stand up for the right to feel your pain.
I woke up, my face eager to stare at the clock for hours until I finally successfully missed school. My legs ached as i moved them under my sheets trying to keep warm. I glanced at the clock the final time. 7 31. I better get up i hissed as I rolled out of bed. I looked around the room, exploring my closet with my eyes. A shirt caught me. pea green, a little worn, and belongs to a friend. you know the kind. I scrapped the shirt over my rocky shoulders, pulled myself together, mustered the strength to get across my room, and raised my self esteem, then looked in the mirror. The shirt had a pulsing heart on the left side. And it matched mine perfectly. I was in love with her.
WE went to the concert( if you could call it that) and merged together. They announced the slow song. she was standing behind me and placed her arms atop my shoulders, embracing me, bodies touching, blood flowing. And she fit perfectly. The odd few were dressed in costumes and I was made to wear one at the last minute. A badge, and a plastic gun. If that doesn’t say cop i don’t know what does.
she changed in front of me. Why do all girls do that to me? you know i like you, i like your body. I want to touch you. She’s beautiful. She took back the hat that she placed on my head, which was previously on hers. Her neck curved around mine. We swayed, we swayed. I swear my feet never touched the ground. She makes me high.
While finally not being moved souls, immobile. she took the gun that i had to my hand like glue. She placed me at gun point and shot underneath the hoodie, and the gun perched right where my heart was. She shot me and I didn’t even know it. She can have my heart, she doesn’t have to steal anymore.