Your probably the smartest girl I’ve ever met. you asked me what science i was taking and i said ” the easy one”. and you said ” oh bio?” I felt to ashamed to tell you i’m in science 24. i feel like an idiot to even be in your presence.
I like knowing there’s someone else that you’d rather be with. I like knowing that there’s always another person on your mind, when your the only person in mine. I like the way you talk, and the way you have an attitude. I like how you have allot of friends, and I like how I don’t talk to most of them. I like how another persons name is always sitting on your tongue waiting to be fired. I like how you can’t tell my truths from lies, and how your truth is just lies and deception. I like the way you say my name, and share your thoughts and secrets. I like how when I think of you I don’t feel so alone. I like the pointless fights we get in day after day.
You wrote the beginning of the book and entitled it “My Heart”, you gave it to me in hopes that I could shed some light on it. Within seconds of it being in my grasp, i felt it. the pulsing was quickening. is this love inside my heart? I spent days scribbling down the words, they flowed out easily. I gave it to you, unknowingly, i didn’t know that i gave you something else. There in your hands you held it. My heart and your heart, we are combined, we unravel in the words. But the book doesn’t have an ending, we are the untold story, the characters that got lost in the magic. You are the not so typical girl, full of love and lust, not knowing who to give it to, who deserves it. I sat in my bed for days on end, you refused to finish My Heart, you said it was better to keep them guessing. I was tired of guessing. you were tired of guessing. The truth you asked, restating what i had already asked you seconds earlier. You sauntered back and forth, unsure of how to overcome this question, how to get out of it. You then declared that you weren’t ready. ” For the Book?” I asked, thinking she wasnt’ ready for all the publicity. The look in her eyes was there, but I didn’t see it. I couldn’t decipher the truth from a lie, I never could. I was taught to look for the good in people, but I didn’t know that I had shutters on blinding me from the ugly side of people.
I still get dazzled by her smile every time i saw her, she was off and living her own life, and I was just trying to get mine back on track. My Heart had been on the best selling list for over a month, it was a success. The relationship behind it? That was where I was at a loss. I had done everything right, I followed the books, reads the rules, bought the chick magazines. It wasn’t till she confronted me with new arm candy that I finally got the memo, she chooses and then uses. I was a pawn in her game, and i never even knew i was being put out to get hurt. My feet slid on the pavement with every step, refusing to lift from the ground and plummet into the obis-my so called life. Every laugh, became a love sick joke. I was hooked on her, and I didn’t know where the release button was. Her glossed stare, and slight cough brought me back into the moment. I stood starring, just staring at her. How did she become everything I wanted and everything I hated?
She made me feel like i was fourteen again. I hadn’t gotten used to the idea of my stutter, and i haven’t gotten used to the idea of my broken heart. Love was supposed to be something that you only read about in books. It wasn’t supposed to happen to me. I went home feeling down, I began to drink away my sorrows, i kept replaying in my head all the times she had lied. She said she was taking me to a town, but it had already been burnt down. She was burning her bridges, but it was me who would be the one to dive head first into the sheering water and swim my way to her. I was frozen, I no longer had the desire to feel anything. The only thing i knew was that she was mine, our hearts were still combined. Her voice was still the one i heard when i sang in the shower, and her eyes were the only eyes i saw on the dark nights, walking about the ruins of my life.
The phone rang, and my heart stopped. I traced the screen of my phone in my hand, and gripped it tightly. It was her. What else could she take from me? The vibration from the phone gave me tingles, why did she still have this effect over me. The phone stopped, and a puzzled look seeped across my face, no message, no sign that she ever called. Like that of the message history, there was no proof that I was ever in her life. She stole the credit for My Heart, she took it away, and left me to choke in the dust. Why would such a nice girl do such dirty things. It wasn’t long before i caught a glimpse of her, she was always in my dreams, where she belonged. We could dance and r’eminence without any pressure of the outside, better yet it was me who controlled her then. She was perfection in my eyes, but she was also a tragedy in disguise.
Her presence screamed loyalty, but my head screamed love. I never knew love could come in so many forms. She was my mother, brother, and lover all combined into the same skin. People say god doesn’t give with two hands, if that’s true, he gave with three. God is a mutant who likes to watch the less fortunate people scream and hurt and die. I tried over and over again to make sense of the words that were coming out of her mouth. I never really did understand her. She was beyond me, she was the kite and i was the string, trying to whether her down. She brought out the best in me, and i brought out the worst in her, but she never did deniey that i wasn’t what she wanted. I was the water in the hot shower she took, trying to wash away all the sins of the previous times off of her body. she never did get fully clean.
I want to rewind back, and then pause. it’s back when everything was flawless, well looking back it was. I don’t want to hurt anymore. I don’t want to look at your face, and think of another girl. I don’t want to look in the other girls face, and see you. You are connected, and you haven’t even met. Mostly, I want you to start defending the words that I know your never going to say. Why can’t you just lie and say your not ok without me? I try to hold on, but it hurts too much. And I try to forgive but its not enough. There isn’t anything I can erase to put things back where they should be. Your you. And I’m me. And we do not blend.
“What about you? Are you the happiest and the saddest right now that you’ve ever been?”
“Of course I am.”
“Because nothing makes me happier and nothing makes me sadder than you.”—Nicole Krauss (in The History Of Love) (via creampuff) (via lovebot)
I’m a better person because of you. I’m who I am because of you. This has taken me a long time to admit, and we parted ways so fast I never had the chance to tell you. You made me see the light in a world that I thought was one dark tunnel after another, you lit the road, and guided me every step of the way. You had nothing but good intetions, and hopes, and I didn’t see it at the time, but you really were my everything. You were there when I needed that shoulder to cry on, and you took the beating when I had no one else to take my frusterations out on. I’m sorry for mistreating you, But I just didn’t know how to take it when you came back. You broke my heart, and I refuse to let you get close again.
My finger tips are frozen, but I wasn’t outside. It’s getting hard for the words to start flowing, and to perfectly align onto the paper. I wanna believe you when you tell me that it’ll be okay, but tomorrow is a new day, and things are bound to change. Your echo’s of lies are a slideshow, i see over and over again where we went wrong. I can’t get away.
“There’s a big fucking world out there. It’s messy, and it’s chaotic, And it’s never ever the thing you’d expect. It’s okay to be scared, but you can’t allow your fears to turn you into an asshole. Not when it comes to the people who love you, the people who need you.”—
I’m sick of all the love songs, and how they constantly replay in my head, and it’s not the happy parts. It’s the sad depressing words that echo in and out of my mind 24 hours a day. I’m stronger then that, I will not be a strand of grass being pushed around by the wind. If you wanna leave, take good care, just remember there’s a lot of bad everywhere. But just so you know, I’m a mess without you, and I can;t stop thinking about your ocean eyes.
Your bitch. There’s nothing nice about you. the only nice poured out of the open crevasses of your body and went down the drain while you tried to wash off all the dirty gross things that your body possessed. you don’t deserve the so called best friend that you have. you don’t deserve any friends. At least I can actually own up to the things I do, and admit when their wrong. I learn from them. You don’t do that. Your a fucking poor excuse for a human being and I hope you get whats coming to you. I really do. You didn’t deserve all the love and affection I once had for you, I’m a fool to have been under your filthy spell for that long. I helped you when you were feeling down and when you got into that accident. I came when you needed to talk to someone. ALTHOUGH YOU WERE ON THE PHONE THE WHOLE FUCKING TIME. I gave you all my secrets and thoughts, and you just passed them around like they were nothing. You are nothing. You only have her as a best friend because you’ve only known her for about a year. and you hide all of your flaws and she didn’t know you before. she didn’t know the real you.